Kagro in the Morning

If we have to keep talking about Jeffrey Epstein, then at least let us hear more Tom Lehrer! Well, with Greg Dworkin on hand to round up the day’s news, that’s never a problem! Unless you’re Donald Trump, that is. Because people think that guy sucks! Though it may just be worse given his bad timing. Of course, it could also be, you know, his “policies.” Or his policy of firing people who report statistics indicating that his policies suck. Or pulling out all the stops to rig the system, all while crying loudly that it’s rigged against him. Or just maybe, the leopards he keeps sending to eat his voters’ faces. Or maybe lots of Republicans are going to “get Flooded” when the time comes, whomever or wherever they may be. Given how bad the landscape is for Trump and his Republicans, why would any Democrat or independent ever fall into the trap of praising him? Something happened to “Big Balls.” We’re just not sure exactly what. But we know it’s being used as an excuse for yet another moment of Trump extremism. But don’t let the extremism distract you from the revisionism! Whether at home or abroad. Really, you can’t miss either the revisionism or the egotism. Soon enough, it’ll be on display before the entire world. Know who else used the same play? Federal judges are getting fed up, though. And they won’t play. Learn about the “presumption of regularity,” how Trump killed it, and what happens when it’s gone.

It’s No Structure Tuesday, in the Second Trump Era! And a reality TV personality-turned-government official says they’re gonna put a nuclear reactor on the moon. And it wasn’t even the orange one! That’s the kind of day it’s been. Wait, here’s something more random and even dumber: Murdery Traitor Greene is lobbying Trump to commute George Santos’ sentence. At just 11 days into a 7+ year stretch. And if you believe that one, try imagining her leaving the Republican Party. Ha ha! Yeah. Sure, Jan. How could she ever leave when she’s still actively calling for Democrats to be investigated and arrested for… the 2020 election, Epstein, and… January 6th! Democrats! Pam Bondi, meanwhile, is back to investigating Democrats for… the 2016 election. Some grand jury, somewhere, is purportedly being convened by someone, to investigate… something. You know. Things! Returning to the lengthy profile of DOGE’s 23-year-old-in-charge-of-erasing-distinguished-careers, others are asking just how many people it can be said this Wunderkind killed. Good job, homeschooling! On the “international” front, Trump continues to say the world “deals” a lot. Are they “deals,” though? And are “deals” (as Trump defines the word) even a good thing in this context? Would he know how to evaluate a “good deal” even if he was capable of making one? Does it count if he just makes it all up? Stay tuned! I mean, the answer is “no,” but stay tuned to hear us say it some more, anyway.

It’s Monday! That means Greg Dworkin was here. And it means there was a weekend catch-up marathon on Trump’s “volatile side,” via the Abbreviated Pundit Roundup, and another installment in our more-popular-than-the-actual-hosts Tom Lehrer retrospective. Texas Republicans are redistricting. Yes, again! Or at least trying to. Dems are absenting themselves in order to deny them a quorum. Yes, again! Greg Abbott, meanwhile, says he’s trying to absent them from office. Trump’s stupid “policies” are starting to make the economy suck, and everybody knows it. So, you have to fire the knowers, or at least the tellers, starting from the top. Just like successful countries like Argentina do. Will that be enough to help MAGA forget about having their faces eaten by leopards? Perhaps, one day, their children will forget. If they ever have any. Everybody’s been talking about this blockbuster dissection of a Dem fundraising black hole operation. And everybody’s angry! But you may be pleased to know there’s a plan to make fundraising black holes angry, too. You thought Greg wasn’t going to say anything about the NYC mayoral race? Duh! They just polled the local space laser enthusiasts, to see what they’re thinking. You thought Greg wasn’t going to say anything about Epstein? Duh! Well, actually he didn’t. But he meant to! Trump’s hoping a different shiny object will distract people. Only this one’s about Obama, and not everyone thinks that’s so shiny, anymore. But dumbasses do! We’ll never run out of dumbasses! Not while one of ‘em is president, anyway! (Remember when I said he was probably choosing Oval Office portraits for the frames, with no idea who was in the paintings? Well, yeah!)

August! Only 25 Patreon-PayPal-Square Cash shopping days until David Waldman’s birthday! A great time to begin or up your recurring donations to KITM! What will It cost to renovate the ‘Free’ Qatari Air Force One? Don’t ask… but if you were to ask, it’s around $1billion. Is Trump trying to hide that $1billion price tag? Why, yes, he is. Will Trump try to take it home with him? Why bother to ask? Meanwhile plans are underway for the Trump White House Convention Center and Casino. How much will that cost? Who’ll pay for that? You’re full of questions, aren’t you? Trump purports to raise tariffs on Canada. Canada says that news is big if true. South Korea says don’t believe it until you see it. Wisconsin Gop Bryan Steil can’t believe his town halls could boo so loud. Is this any way to run a paper? Jeff Bezos discovers that no, it probably is not. Brilliant boy genius Luke Farritor ingeniously disemboweled the United States government. It’s up to more mature minds to determine if that is what he “should” have been doing.

HEY YOU GUYS! On KITM today, David Waldman spins the hits and reports the latest local and national Epstein news, with traffic and tsunamis on the 10’s. Today’s topic: Why are people talking more and more about John Stafford? Greg Dworkin is back, back in the New York groove, poring over the datum within the data of the polling of the upcoming New York City Mayoral election which will be won by Zohran Mamdani. Does Mamdani say things right, or does he say the right things? Democrats are mostly crap at both, but also aren’t Republicans, so there’s that. The world’s most important mayoral race is under the cloud of a mass shooting, which is not only a test for not-yet-Mayor Mamdani, but he’ll no doubt be graded on everyone else’s mass shootings as well. Donald K. Trump is probably working on ways to work Zohran into his Epstein conversations. Yesterday, Trump settled the whole Epstein mess by explaining that he caught Jeff stealing all the underage babes he had invested in, stored in the Mar-a-Lago basement, and if there was one motto Donald does not believe in, it’s “Bros before hos”. Trump should sue Epstein for all of the money that he lost to Jeff’s “business” … or he could pardon Diddy. That should do it.

David Walman wraps up our July fund drive as we launch our August fund drive later this week. Subscribers who join at our $400 per month tier will get something, even if I have to crochet or bake it. Another day, another cloud of a mass-shooting to broadcast from underneath. If Louisiana Gop John Kennedy manages to enact anti-idiot laws, he’ll be the first on the plane to El Salvador. Minnesota cops avoid clouds of mass-shooting, by waiting for the sun to come out. Trump can’t believe that everyone still wants to talk about Epstein-Epstein-Epstein when instead they should check out his list of Epstein connections, that he personally calls “The Epstein List”. You know who could settle this? The Hannibal Lecter of sex traffickers, Ghislaine Maxwell. The perfect neutral mediator would be Trump’s personal lawyer, now Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche, the very guy to understand the perspectives and priorities of everyone in this case. Dick Durbin peeks from his hidey-hole to shake his fist. Whistleblower evidence suggests that Trump judicial nominee Emil Bove misled Senate, therefore Judge James Boasberg will have to pay. They’re soon going to run out of room at Guantanamo at this rate. Sure, the US seems more criminal and corrupt with each day, but as long as we are graded on the same curve as the Russian Army we’ll be just fine.

Today, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin return to distract you from the real problem, whatever that might be. Another RIP goes out, this time to Tom Lehrer. Some of you know his math, and a few of you might know his cryptography, but many of you know many of his songs, and you owe it to yourself to know many more. Hopefully, this will be an opportunity for some sort of collaboration with Ozzy Osborne. Scotland welcomes Donald K. Trump. They say that the K stands for Knuckle-brained fart lozenge. We say they’re welcome to him. Inexplicably, the Scots keep letting him in. Donald saves on strokes by aiming for his caddy’s back pocket. Independents dislike Trump even more than they dislike Biden. Voters hate what Trump does and hate Democrats for letting him do it. That darn Epstein! Out there, stealing Trump’s glory and/or distracting from his crimes. Trump opens the borders to violent criminals and mass murderers. It isn’t only that MAGA likes rapists and murderers, but it’s how much they like to rape and murder that makes them so deplorable.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin wish you all a joyous and/or contemplative Pioneer Day this year, along with the other 364. (Coincidentally, Jeffery Epstein’s motto was “Bring ‘em young!”) Many questions remain unanswered following Epstein’s untimely demise, but one thing is certain: Donald FN Trump’s name is all over the Epstein files, and he knows it. Gops sneak out the back door and hope no one notices. Democrats follow them out and hope everyone notices. Thus, we are only about a week away from Ghislaine Maxwell’s mysterious death in, or miraculous release from, prison. Sedation, stat! Donald’s meds need to be upped. Tulsi Gabbard makes the US take one for Team Trump. Why supply evidence when the boss says you have proof? Is Trump's treason accusation a confession? Ya figure? Trump pulls a reverse-Jesus and sins so that his followers may live to sin. Gop Mike Lawler will hide in the House, barking, rather than challenge Governor Kathy Hochul. Donald K. Trump is… unpopular, especially among independents, but generally with everyone.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin boost us over any number of humps today. Renown reality TV star/Trump critic/frequent Zakk Wylde bandmate Ozzy Osborne has died at age 76, too soon for most people, but especially for an artist who transformed so many genres while defining his own. Not RIP-ing anytime soon is Jeffery Epstein, who is receiving an amazing number of coverups for a guy who didn’t wear pants half the time. Mike Johnson believed that he could put a fig leaf on anything, but not when even MAGA wants a peek. Congrats go out to Tulsi Gabbard for coming up with a way to keep her paychecks coming during these difficult times. Trump is now wondering who he needs to push out a window to make this all stop. We told you that Alina Habba wasn’t going to keep her job as top federal prosecutor in New Jersey, but the administration is working to make us pre-wrong on that prediction. We also told you about John A. Sarcone III, who is either acting US attorney or assistant to himself, and Albany resident or ghost of the local haunted house. Trump and Japan are signing off on the HUGEST deal ever made, estimated at coming in somewhere between worse and better than nothing. Similarly, drug prices will be set to net consumers up to $150 for each dollar that they spend. I might become a Trumper if this turns out to be true. The rise of Democrats in polls shows that most are not betting on it. Elon Musk will really need to turn up his folksy charm if he wants to get his third party off the ground.

David Waldman brings us the latest old news. That is, it only seems like old news. Trump remains deplorable, as his deplorables keep finding out. But even David’s random country generator for potential Trump hassling seems stuck on several African nations, although Donald might be first to admit that when it comes to African countries, they’re all just a bunch of Nigers to him. Remember Jeffery Epstein? Epstein’s posthumous celebrity is so hot right now, that people are even beginning to recall Ghislaine Maxwell. The Gop House is working so hard to forget Jeff that they have completely forgotten that they are elected representatives. Donald K. Trump hopes that you’ll Pepperidge Farm the Clinton Administration. The Wall Street Journal will not be allowed to watch Trump golf in Scotland because of their Epstein reporting. Back to the story of John A. Sarcone “III”, the loyalist Trump wants as US attorney for upstate New York. Is Sarcone only the “acting” US attorney? Is he an “assistant” with no one to assist? Who cares? What does the law have to do with being an attorney for Trump? Law has nothing to do with being a lawyer for Trump, which is why Two-thirds of the DOJ unit defending Trump policies in court have quit. First, Trump disappeared hundreds of Venezuelans to a Salvadoran Prison. Then, Marco Rubio and Ric Grenell got into a bidding war for them and Grenell’s check bounced. Now, the prisoners have been shuffled off to Venezuela. Were innocent lives art of the dealed?

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin tell us all about some of the crazy things that happened. Winning! Donald K. Trump wants to remind everyone of his many huge successes over the last 6 months, and his HUGE hands. And his unceasing admiration and respect for the Indigenous peoples of the Americas. And the scandal-plagued Obama administration, along with Barack Hussein’s many felonies. But not Jeffery Epstein. Donald does not want to remind anyone that his name is in the Epstein files. or how and why his name got into the Epstein files. Or how he tried to cover up his appearance in the Epstein files. But you know, if people want to cry about how he’s a corrupt pervert, Trump is certainly capable of giving them something new to cry about. 44% believe they will be worse off in a year, yet may not grasp how much worse off they’ll be in a week. Some have only begun to realize just how much worse off they are now. On the other hand, Andrew Cuomo thinks there might be a little too much success in New York City. Zohran Mamdani promises to not say the thing he never said. Alina Habba had a rough start, but her trajectory is now smoothing out into a steep dive. He was Trump’s pick for US Attorney in Albany, but it turns out that John A. Sarcone III is only “acting”.

David Waldman takes us to the edge of the week but can’t keep us from falling into the weekend. Bawdy? Is that what we’re calling it? Jeffery Epstein, who could be considered naughty, and kind of affiliated, was never known to have had a shortage of close personal friends. His 50th birthday party had a great turnout of sincere well-wishers, including Donald K. Trump, who was both his best friend for over a dozen years, and hardly even knew him, in fact barely even met him outside of the hundreds of times that they hung out. So, of all of the ribald birthday wishes Jeff received, the one from Donald is definitely the one Donald did not write, and did not sign, and especially did not write a picture on. Donald does not write pictures. You know that things must be out of control if Trump is releasing medical information into the news cycle. Trump’s socks look like he rotates his filled Depends there, but officially he has “Chronic Venous Insufficiency” which technically describes that Trump’s brains have fallen into his shoes. It would also explain his feeble Epstein distraction brought to you by Coca-Cola. Luckily for Trump, CBS threw him a big lifeline by firing Steven Colbert. The only thing that could delight Trump more would be having Jimmy Kimmel eaten by an alligator. Great news! AI Chatbots have been telling their billionaire investors that they will be earning trillions of dollars soon and that those checks will start pouring in, in about two weeks.

It’s a good thing Greg Dworkin had a lot of links today. Because there was a lot to say, even if there were only a very few topics most people were talking about. And by that, we mean Jeffrey Epstein, and the fact that Donald Trump was his very good friend, because they were both giant perverts. No one’s buying the Trump administration’s story. I mean, like, no one. Not the Trump-supporting Speaker of the House. Not ultra-Trump-supporting rank & file members of Congress. Not the grifters who came up on the Trump coattails. Not the grifters positioning themselves to usurp the coat itself. Not the high-information, liberal voters who might be using it to troll low-information voters. Not even the low-information voters themselves, who don’t care about anything. Maybe he’s just used up all the quarters he had lined up for his brainwashing machine. Whatever the reason, he’s now got MAGA & the Republican party splintered over this thing he seems determined to insist everyone should ignore. But wait! Maybe Trump can save his presidency with substantive accomplishments on the policy side! Hahahahahaha! Ohhhhh, man! Hey, just kidding, folks! Ha ha! That was a good one! No, there’s no hope for that! And the midterm political outlook is only set to get worse, even if the policy itself somehow doesn’t. But it is getting worse! Oh well, at least there’s Elon Musk’s third party. Hahahaha! Gotcha again! Meanwhile, this coverup isn’t even the worst thing Pam Bondi is doing with her time. Well, we have time for one more subject. By which I mean about an hour. How about the NYC mayoral race, where we’re looking at voters in the 40s and 50s. No, not by age. By net approve/disapprove! (OK, but also by age.) In fact, how about the NYC mayoral race, and how some people are so consumed by it, that they think it has bearing on the outcome of totally unrelated races, thousands of miles away.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin follow another Trump Weekend™ with another Monday KITM! YAY! QAnon was right — THEY don’t want you to know! Imagine MAGA’s surprise, and everyone else’s lack of surprise, when “They” turned out to be Trump. Trump’s Epstein cover-up (The latest cover-up, that is, as Trump has covered for Epstein forever.) could tear apart MAGA as a portion of them actually believe what they’ve been saying, and for most of them, this issue is the most complex that they are prepared to handle. Heads must roll, and that never means Trump. Therefore, Ghislaine Maxwell is making certain that all of her prison security cameras are in tiptop condition today. Dan Bongino was too undisclosed to clock into work this morning. That leaves Pam Bondi, She-Wolf of the DOJ, who has just fired her personal ethics chief. Kash Patel threatens to show up even less at work if Pam stays. Eight men were told that they were being sent to Louisiana but ended up in Djibouti. Following the orders of armed masked men never turns out well. Kristi Noem expects that more bureaucracy, more paperwork, more delays and more inefficiencies will lead to more government savings. Fewer survivors equal even more savings. Of course, in central Texas, a functioning government equals Communism. In New York City, voters see things differently.

David Waldman stares into the abyss of our next Trump weekend, but first, screams into the void of Trump Friday. Distinguished Professor and author Ian Reifowitz returns to KITM discuss his BRAND-NEW BOOK, “Riling Up the Base: Examining Trump’s Use of Stereotypes through an Interdisciplinary Lens.” Buy this book, and not only will you be the hippest person on your beach, but you will also gain a thorough understanding of how Trump’s use of stereotypes relating to immigration, race/ethnicity, and gender somehow keeps that jerk in power. Ian also argues that Democrats have drifted from Obama’s unifying vision of America and need to reclaim Obama’s inclusive, aspirational message to win again. Tom Homan reminds us that the less you look like Tom Homan, the higher your chance of having many bad things happen to you in the United States. With AI, you can look like anyone and say anything. Foreign leaders are under the mistaken impression that as long as their lips remain on Donald K. Trump’s ass, they’re safe. To Vietnam’s surprise, Donald informed them they hadn’t used enough tongue.